ACTUAL SH*T THAT’S ILLEGAL IN CALI
You won’t believe what’s banned in the “freedom-loving” state of rolling blackouts and Botox.
Let’s get something straight—California might be beautiful, but it’s also a flaming dumpster of government overreach and bureaucratic micromanagement. This is the state where you can shoot heroin on the sidewalk outside a preschool but God help you if you try to mow your lawn with a gas-powered engine.
So, in honor of the madness, here’s a round-up of actual sh*t that’s illegal in California (we’re not joking, we couldn’t make this up if we tried).
Guns Are Bad, Mmkay?
A 10-round magazine is apparently more dangerous than a cartel with an iPhone.
Your AR-15 is legal in 47 other states—but not in the land of $9 lattes and spiritual advisors.
Concealed carry? Sure, if you're a celebrity, a politician, or MacGyver.
Consumer Products From the Ninth Circle of Hell
Gas-powered lawn tools are banned. That’s right—your mower has more regulation than which bathroom you can use.
High-flow showerheads? Nope. Enjoy rinsing shame and regret off your body at the water pressure of a Capri Sun.
Plastic straws will get you fined.
Meth pipes? Free at the needle exchange.
Flavored vape juice: outlawed.
What You Eat Will Be Judged
Foie gras is illegal, because in California, traumatizing a duck is worse than telling a child he can’t cut his dick off.
Raw milk? Biohazard. But breast milk from a Craigslist doula? That’s “natural living.”
Shark fin soup, trans fats, and Happy Hour specials? All facing execution.
In some counties, you can’t discount a beer after 5pm, but you can get a subsidized hysterectomy if you cry hard enough.
Exotic Pets? Not on Gavin’s Watch
You can’t legally own a ferret, which is weird, because they’re basically hung cats with ADHD.
Hedgehogs, sugar gliders, and snakes? Too risky.
But a roving pack of tweakers screaming about aliens on the I-10? That’s just Tuesday.
The Woke Cosmetics Aisle
Your lipstick, hair spray, and protein powder might contain chemicals that’ll get you sued faster than you can say “Prop 65”—unless you’re at a Diddy party, where the only thing regulated is eye contact.
Want to light a candle to set the mood for your fourth date this week that ends in tears and a gender reveal? Better check if it’s scented with an EPA-compliant oil blend or you’ll be fined into celibacy.
Home Improvement or Felony?
That out-of-state refrigerator? Nope. CARB says it’s killing the planet.
Window tinting on your truck? Not unless it meets regulations so vague even Knight Rider wouldn’t pass inspection.
Gas pressure washers and generators? Basically chemical weapons under California law.
Want to paint your fence with something that lasts more than a weekend? Good luck. The VOC limits make it illegal to use anything stronger than almond milk.
You Can’t Make This Up
Misgendering someone in some professions = civil penalty. But burning down a Walgreens during a protest? Community healing.
In San Francisco, your kid’s Happy Meal toy is banned unless the meal includes a kale-based fiber puck and a lecture on climate change.
Non-compete clauses are illegal, which means you can get fired from a startup and go copy-paste the whole company by lunch.
Pet flea collars are regulated like you're arming your schnauzer with napalm.
Let's Get Real
California’s banned list reads like it was written by someone mid-panic attack in a Whole Foods parking lot. They’ve outlawed common sense, made masculinity a hazardous material, and turned hardware stores into legal minefields.
However, you can:
Loot a CVS
Pitch a tent on a sidewalk
Legally get high, naked, and mildly electrocuted in a “healing workshop”
But you can’t:
Mow your yard with a gas engine
Eat duck liver
Buy a foam cup
Use a damn straw
Or wash your hair with shampoo that works
So until that shithole breaks off into the Pacific Ocean, I’ll stay in Texas and visit the West Coast later.
-Charlie
